“Smart” phones

After a lovely family vaca the standard operating procedure is to unpack and then look back on all those precious memories you created together in photographs. That is, until your iPhone deletes all 400 and since you were in a different country you didn’t have service so you couldn’t back up your phone so now you don’t have any back ups to retrieve your pics from and WE SHOULD TOTALLY JUST STAB CAESAR! Cause that’s not what Apple’s about! What happened to customer service???? If we can send robots to mars and make zero calorie sugar, there should be a way to restore un-synced photos. Got that Apple? New CEO right over here. Oh wait, nvm, just another person with an iq above 95. Well at least l’ll always have the memories…unless I go crazy from all this dangflabbit cellphone radiation in the future.

How smart are smartphones…?

N

Today’s “not so” Special

“That-oh-sh*t-I-forgot-my-headphones-moment”

If you’ve ever been on a family vacation, you know why this is a disaster just waiting to happen. Close quarters and even closer relatives are a deadly combination, and can quickly destroy any dignity and courtesy you have left after living 19 years with them. So when you are rushed out of your house at 6AM and realize an hour later you forgot your headphones, as Melissa McCarthy so eloquently put it, “yea oh sh*t!”. Gone are the opportunities to listen to your favorite pop star criticize a cheater or liar, fantasizing about it being your hypersensitive sister. The only way now to complain is to say it….outloud. And we all know how volatile that is around a provoked family in a cramped car. Wish me luck guys.

N

Homecoming

So from the ages of 3 to 18, summer was the best. No school, no homework (except for those dumb reading packets but only nerds even opened those anyway), and the freedom to spend all day out in the sun and all night with your besties. From slip-n-slides to slipping down jello shots, summer was always the perfect vaca. Which brings me to my point of that after the age of 18, it fucking sucks.

Number one reason summer sucks as a college student: you have to do actual work. Unless you are granted your daddy’s Mastercard, in which case I hate you. Most kids coming home from college have to get a job, or work more at the job they held in high school. Working in high school was a joke because everyone knows that it’s just a big fat lie to put on college apps. Oooh, this applicant worked 5 hours a week at Jamba Juice! We want them. But when you are in college, work becomes more of, well, work. You are older, more experienced, and understand that the world revolves around money. Not that peace and love shit that kids are spoon fed. So there you are, working your days away in the summer instead of blacking out on Taco Tuesday at school.

Number two reason summer sucks as a college student: you are not at college. Guess where you get to spend the next 3 months! In your hometown with all the people from high school that you hate, under the roof of your overbearing parents. I swear, somewhere in some parenting manual, it must say that parents have to smother their children and treat them like they are 4 years old again when they come back from school. Gone are the drunken adventures with your crew, coming home in the wee hours of the morning to your not-so-comfortable XL twin. Say hello to parents constantly breathing down your neck, asking you what your plans are for the night and when they get to spend time with you. Serious vom.

Reason number three summer sucks as a college student: you don’t get to see your friends/acquaintances/hook up buddies for THREE MONTHS! In teenage time that’s like, forever. It is virtually impossible to keep up with all your betches from school, especially when you are busy fighting off Over-Protective Padre and working retail at the sad excuse for your hometown mall.

Summer’s rough as a 19 year old. It wouldn’t be all bad if it was socially acceptable to smoke a bowl with mommy (maybe that will calm her down) or strip down to your birthday suit and run around screaming “IT’S SUMMER BITCHES!”. But unfortunately, it’s not, so we’re stuck here counting down the days till we can walk across our campuses again with sun kissed skin and freshly cashed paychecks ready to blow. Is it September yet?

 

 

M

Today’s Special

“Get-my-order-wrong-starbucks-baristas”

If you see me driving around after stopping by the Starbucks drive through, I’ll usually be kicked back, cruisin down the streets, glowing like I, well, always do.  USUALLY.  That is, unless I have a barista who seems to not grasp the idea that people don’t all want 550 calorie drinks.  I wanted an iced coffee.  Just that.  Coffee.  No sugar, no milk.  What did I get?  A sugar filled cup with a hint of coffee flavor.  All topped off with cream.  Thanks lady, why didn’t you just put a Kalteen bar on the side???  You’d think that the simplest drink would be the simplest to make, but i get it…people make mistakes.  And by people I mean idiots.

Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries.

N

Today’s Special

“Stupid-4-way-stop-drivers”.

Yes, you know who I’m talking about.  Those people that are either too polite, too indecisive, or just too frickin stupid to be operating a 4,000 pound death trap.  Unlike us perfect, logical, and superior drivers (jk, actually anybody with an IQ higher than 45), these “drivers” seem to not grasp the concept of first goes first.  Maybe they get confused by the complex system our highly innovative brains have created.  But when they even forget to stop in the first place, I question their rights to procreation…

To sum this up, if you cant understand something as simple as a 4-way stop, maybe you should think twice about getting in a motor vehicle, let alone raise the next generation.

 
N